Should We Share?

Should We Share?

Q: Some members of our chevra kadisha keep their participation very private and avoid speaking about it, even with close friends or family. Is that an appropriate practice?

A. Yes. There is a well-established minhag in many communities of doing this sacred work quietly and without recognition, and for some chevros, adherence to this standard is a condition for membership. For generations, chevra kadisha members have approached their service with discretion. Some go so far as to avoid telling even their own children, simply saying, “I’m going out to do a mitzvah.”

One possible basis for this minhag is a Gemara in Makkos 24a. The Gemara quotes the pasuk, “What does Hashem ask of you?…to walk modestly with Hashem” (Michah 6:8) and applies it specifically to caring for the burial of a meis and helping a bride get married. The gemara continues to make a reasonable deduction – a kal v’chomer – that if such very public acts require as much inner modesty as possible – without seeking attention or recognition – then certainly acts which are done in private, should be done at the highest level of modesty and privacy.  This principle would clearly apply to the tahara and other aspects of chevra work which are conducted in private.

Additionally, the work of the chevra kadisha is considered chesed shel emes — true kindness –  done without any expectation of reciprocity. Publicizing one’s role in this mitzvah introduces an element of honor or recognition that may diminish its sincerity and intent.

That being said, today we face a painful and urgent reality: Most Jews have never heard of the chevra kadisha. They don’t know what it is, what it does, or that it even exists, and they are certainly unaware of the meaning, or of the unique kavod – respect – the chevra kadisha provides. As a result, the majority of American Jews do not receive a tahara, and about 50% are cremated rather than buried.

In our world, outreach is more important than ever in Jewish history. Effective outreach requires the chevra kadisha to have a human face — someone who can speak about their sacred work, explain its meaning, and help others plan for tahara and kevuras Yisrael.

That’s why it can be appropriate — and at times necessary — for people within the chevra kadisha to speak publicly about their role. Doing so helps educate, inspire, and raise awareness among countless Jews who might otherwise remain disconnected from this essential mitzvah.

At the same time, for individual members, maintaining privacy about their involvement is entirely appropriate and consistent with minhagei Yisrael. Ultimately, it’s about finding the right balance — preserving the minhag of modesty — while also stepping forward in situations when it serves the needs of Klal Yisrael in the way our times demand.

Regardless of a chevra’s minhag, it is almost never appropriate to share that you participated in the tahara of a specific meis — especially not with the family and especially not in public. Even when you believe it might bring them comfort, such information should only be shared privately, with great sensitivity, and after careful consideration. Sharing details of a tahara or the condition of a meis is extremely unprofessional, insensitive, and may actually be lashon hara, if the information could possibly reflect negatively on the meis or their family. (See Gesher Hachaim, Perek 5, Siman 3 and Yesodei Smachos, pg. 38)

Nevertheless, if you’ve experienced a particularly difficult tahara, it’s important to speak with someone — a spouse, mentor, or another chevra member — to help you process what you’re feeling. Even then, it’s best to avoid revealing the identity of the meis, if at all possible.